It's been one year

I still really miss her....

Ranch Werk!

Mark, the kids and I spent the weekend out at the ranch as caretakers! We had a blast satellite TV woot woot...oh wait! I mean yeah out doors and ...dirt! We spent a good part of Saturday hiking with the kiddos. We picked berries and skipped rocks in our creek. Watched as the farmers harvested the hay all throughout the Gulch! Our hay was harvested last week and is now in neat little bundles all over the field! The neighbors down the road always buy our hay so it is already sold. We are expecting quite a profit this year. The folks will most likely be able to afford tires for the truck and a few other nice things they need!

Sam has his first skinned knee...poor kid he is still crying around about it. It is pretty deep and looks awful.I have been working hard to keep it from infection. Sam being a sensory kid keeps pulling off the band aid due to it causing him irritation. It's always something with him!

Bryce or Sam broke his first window today! Kids and toy car and windows ugh! I wonder how much it will be to replace it! They were both banging on the front window, I had told them to stop and they did, I placed them both in separate corners punished them and thought nothing of it. I didn't realize they had cracked the window till several hours later when I was going grocery shopping!

Bryce is going through a screaming phase! Yay just as Sam has stopped Bryce starts him up again! Now I have two screamers I think I may go mad! lol j/k Screaming doesn't really phase me anymore...maybe that part of me is going deaf I can't hear to tell you lol. However my ears do hurt a lot. you know how you feel after a rock concert, ya kinda like that!

Sam has been sleeping I have turned into a human again! I hope this sleeping trend continues!

Sleep!

Chickens!

Yep we will have our first chickens soon Mark has almost finished the chicken coop! We are also going to have rabbits! Mark spent most of Saturday finishing the roof to the coop. He got the worst sun burn in his life. I feel bad for him! Also both his brothers are currently crippled so it was difficult for anyone to help him. We will be continuing to work out at the ranch each weekend till all the work is done. We hope to have animals in a few weeks. The cows are now down in the lower pasture so we don' have to look out for them much. Hay season is late this year! We haven't cut our hay yet it is all still too wet and green as hell! With gas prices as expensive as they are this year it will be very expensive to harvest which is going to drive the price of meat up you just watch! The economy is sure hard times these days.

Mark and I will be staying at the ranch in about two weeks to "baby sit" the dogs while my in laws go to Spokane. It should be fun to hang out and chase cows, or fish, or whatever. Mark has all those days off so it will be like a mini vacation! Now to find babysitting... lol no the kids can come.

Depression yeah happy bubbly me..shit! I was completely reduced to tears today in Walmart. I heard a 13 year old autistic by having a temper tantrum I recognized the screaming and crying from rows away, the sound came closer. Finally he emerged with his distraught mother, I can tell she is considering murder. As they pass me the grandmother shouts, "He has autism" I had already inferred that! I practically hit the floor with grief. I was chatting with a friend I ran into in Walmart and seeing that boy I broke, completely crumbing in front of her very eyes. I hadn't seen her in months she had no clue, she embraced me. "I exclaimed to the mother of the autistic child I understand! I have a four year old with the same thing!" before I just broke, I then said " I can't do this when I'm 30!"

I am sick of trying to advocate for my son, I just need a break sometimes. I spent a lot of today calling Sam's people, and organizing them, and making them do what I want. I feel the I'm the CEO of a major corporation and a lot of the people who work for me are slackers. I guess I need to yell at them more...isn't that what CEO's do? I am trying to fill out Sam's paperwork now for yet more services! Yay I sometimes ask myself...um what, was I sleeping, dreaming, where am I! I'm confused a lot I can't remember when I'm supposed to be where, and who's coming to my house when. I feel so irresponsible and lost. I can't even find time for my friends or they can't find time for me I'm not sure which.

I guess I am also still grieving...ever since Sam was diagnosed I have felt responsible and like it was my fault. I know that is silly and stupid, but sometimes I wonder if I could have prevented it? I had so much shit going on when I was pregnant with him. I had cancer, I had mono, I was having trouble with my family accepting my new husband, I was in college, president of three clubs, in student government, my grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and moved to my town, I produced three plays and seriously I could go on. Then he had a traumatic birth we both almost died, then all the new research about autism may be blaming vaccines, Sam also had a seizure when he was 18 months old it scared me and the hospital told me I was lying( well maybe not in so few words but they told me I didn't know what I was talking about!) Then I worked for a few months and I felt should have been home with him helping him learn his letters and whatever. Then he went to early Headstart (could start a new chapter about that one!) Ever since then I have had a diagnoses for my son and all these people who work for me and they tell me what to do and how to raise my son!

now I'm just rambling incoherently... I best go to bed! Wait its 7 am how the hell did that happen?

Speeching is Good!

Good news Sam can talk like a four year old now! Sam will probably be graduating from speech therapy soon! I am very excited for him! I will be returning to school soon! I'm nervous and excited and a bundle of tears and fears! I am having a ladies night out party on Saturday! It should be fun!

I also found out I can't sing... thank for telling me politely...shit! Talking to my sister in law and she tells me that my voice coach apparently taught me wrong and it bugs people. I sing karaoke all the time and no one has said anything other than I sound good. Don't lie to me people! If I suck tell me don't humor me and say it was good. That's what makes me the maddest is they still encourage me to sing! I took voice lessons for three years if I still "can't sing" maybe I shouldn't.

Bryce Really Scared Me!

My dear sweet baby was almost lost forever last night at Evel Kenievel Days last night! Mark set him down for a second to dig in his wallet and Bryce wandered off! I was so scared I was running through the crowd rambling and screaming off Bryce's basic description. He was found about a minute later a woman was holding him looking for his parents. He was happy and unaltered by the whole experience. Mark however had a really hard time forgiving himself afterwards, as did I. Sam was the first person to notice Bryce was missing! I didn't realize Mark had set Bryce down so I wasn't even thinking about watching him... this has shown me several things though! Sam actually loves his brother, Sam is more capable then I thought, Bryce is really fast and could be lost, and on and on.

side note Sam slept last night without pills! Wednesday he couldn't sleep,Tuesday he was up twice...