The Wood Family

Depression yeah happy bubbly me..shit! I was completely reduced to tears today in Walmart. I heard a 13 year old autistic by having a temper tantrum I recognized the screaming and crying from rows away, the sound came closer. Finally he emerged with his distraught mother, I can tell she is considering murder. As they pass me the grandmother shouts, "He has autism" I had already inferred that! I practically hit the floor with grief. I was chatting with a friend I ran into in Walmart and seeing that boy I broke, completely crumbing in front of her very eyes. I hadn't seen her in months she had no clue, she embraced me. "I exclaimed to the mother of the autistic child I understand! I have a four year old with the same thing!" before I just broke, I then said " I can't do this when I'm 30!"

I am sick of trying to advocate for my son, I just need a break sometimes. I spent a lot of today calling Sam's people, and organizing them, and making them do what I want. I feel the I'm the CEO of a major corporation and a lot of the people who work for me are slackers. I guess I need to yell at them more...isn't that what CEO's do? I am trying to fill out Sam's paperwork now for yet more services! Yay I sometimes ask myself...um what, was I sleeping, dreaming, where am I! I'm confused a lot I can't remember when I'm supposed to be where, and who's coming to my house when. I feel so irresponsible and lost. I can't even find time for my friends or they can't find time for me I'm not sure which.

I guess I am also still grieving...ever since Sam was diagnosed I have felt responsible and like it was my fault. I know that is silly and stupid, but sometimes I wonder if I could have prevented it? I had so much shit going on when I was pregnant with him. I had cancer, I had mono, I was having trouble with my family accepting my new husband, I was in college, president of three clubs, in student government, my grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and moved to my town, I produced three plays and seriously I could go on. Then he had a traumatic birth we both almost died, then all the new research about autism may be blaming vaccines, Sam also had a seizure when he was 18 months old it scared me and the hospital told me I was lying( well maybe not in so few words but they told me I didn't know what I was talking about!) Then I worked for a few months and I felt should have been home with him helping him learn his letters and whatever. Then he went to early Headstart (could start a new chapter about that one!) Ever since then I have had a diagnoses for my son and all these people who work for me and they tell me what to do and how to raise my son!

now I'm just rambling incoherently... I best go to bed! Wait its 7 am how the hell did that happen?